Haunting memories of the MCAT
I am truly haunted by my current state of affairs. I’m unable to satisfy with meals. No amount of nectar or grilled chicken or junk food or coffee gives me what I want, what I need. I am itching but can’t find it. I am preparing for my third MCAT before throwing in the towel. As well as having jumped off the cliff and applied this year to medical school, I am in limbo. Rejection is piling up. Time is ticking and I am studying every day to get insignificantly better at a monumental task. I need to get a better score on this attempt. I’m up against the concrete, with ogres staring me down; all I got is a pistol. Or a fighting chance in hell. I suck at this stuff. My potential was earmarked for ground shipping, not overnight. Next month the challenge will be tough since I am really not good at this test but I know I am ready to take it for a final dance.
That said, I am haunted by the world that spins around the process of pre-medical education, and the big exams and applications. That stuff bothers me but I am not in any mood to fight those tonight. I just want to slip into bed and drift until I feel it is time to get to the library. I want to do this again and again. Finally I convinced myself this retake is for me and me alone. I cannot use this test to ‘legally’ get into medical school. However if I improve significantly I can get attention from schools and have me another look. That’s all I ask. I would be honored to get that far in the process of becoming a doctor.
I don’t want to go to an island school abroad, or deal with the issues of residency selectivity. I want to be a MD and not a DO, I’ve gone this far. I want to go to a United States MD school and that’s what I am going to do. This MCAT is hard for me, I don’t know how other people get those numbers but I realize I am not special; I am not a smart guy. I’m just introspective and am able to arrive at good conclusions if I let it simmer. I am not the guy who can read passages and make quick judgments and all that. It’s something I have to bite the bullet and just do. I’ll likely be out of commission for a month until the exam on January 30th but I hope there is no catharsis from it. I want this to be a haunting memory for me, at least until I get my score and I can just say I am one step closer to becoming a doctor.
I never even knew I had entered no-mans-land with the MCAT until this winter, staring my poor score in the face – I had to retake. Retake. Retake. Retake. Retake. Retake.
True love waits.
